Two weeks to go . . .

not even.

It's decision time. So, I've decided:

I'm gonna give it a shot. It's true that I all but abandoned my training schedule for the salvation of my hip. This has been a very good thing. I've kept up all my other training: weights, bootcamp, spinning, cardio machines at the gym.

My thinking is this: I'm strong and in good health, so I'll give that marathon a go. I have released my attachment to the outcome. I'm not shooting for a particular time, I have no goal in mind. I'll just get out there. Run until I don't want to anymore. Then I'll walk. Then I'll run again.

And I'll listen to my body. Hallelujah!

The wisdom has voice, and I won't stifle it.

So, if I hear, "Pull over lady. I see Johnny O'Hagan's in the distance and I'd like a pint of Guinness," who am I to deny such wisdom?

I do want to finish in 6 1/2 hours, though. To hell with running on the sidewalks after they reopen the streets. I refuse to be relegated to the sidelines, slow or not, bum hip or not.

Bottom line: I'm planning on having fun.

Anyone care to stop me?

Not MIA.

Don't know what to say lately about this whole marathon process. Part of me feels like I blew it, part of me realizes I was nuts to start, part of me grieves the approaching end and the damage to myself. But another part of me celebrates the victory of getting closer to who I am, of honoring my body, myself--first by attempting to push boundaries, and then by listening and responding in kind when I began to destroy myself. That ain't no small thing, methinks.

But now I'm torn about the race itself. Do I run what I can and then stop? Do I run and/or run/walk to the finish? Do I skip it and go for a champagne brunch?

People are coming from far and wide for this race, for MY race. Does that mean I have to do it?

I knew from the start this had to be about the process, not the endpoint; there is no endpoint.

My hip is so much better now that I've eased off the running. I still need to stretch plentifully, especially in the morning and at night, but I can walk without limping and exist without painful awareness of my hip. I've taken up a Saturday bootcamp in addition to my three times a week at the gym, and I daresay I am still in good shape. Or perhaps better shape with rest. An hour of outdoor running stairs and doing crazy drills: backwards, forwards, sideways sprints, shuffles and lunges--all felt good and I never wanted to die. Really.

So . . . there it is. No major progress, no major setbacks from last time. Just undecided. Perhaps the answer will appear with great clarity. . . .

Enough already!

I just don't know about this marathon anymore. The new shoes seem good for my hip but bad for my feet. Ouch.

It seems I have thrown myself into chaos once again. The marathon may do more harm than good, and that's where I have to draw the line. As the guy at the shoe store said, "There will be other marathons."

Of course, I might just go and run it until I don't want to run it anymore. I would have changed my registration to the half marathon, but when I called the marathon office to request the change, the lady said, "We don't have a half." Pam told me, "Don't let anyone tell you you can't run a half-marathon."

So, Carlos and I decided we'll just take it as it comes. Maybe we'll run the first 13.1 miles, then take a break at the nearest pub. Or maybe we'll jump in at 13.1 miles and run to the end. What the hell? It's our marathon.

And what I decided stands: I'm not going to break myself for this race. --or a job, or a class, or a relationship, or . . .

Bottom line: I'm done damaging myself. Or allowing myself to be damaged. It's time to heal, to rebuild.

I'm taking myself out of the race to find and follow the Middle Way.

And by not following my training schedule because of this injury, I've finally rediscovered the joy of running. I've stopped beating myself up about not running far enough, well enough, fast enough. Enough! Running two or three miles just to take a break from studying is fun and refreshing. It can be about listening to my body and not simply pushing and forcing and running just to run.

It is enough. I am enough.

Shit I had to go through a lot to get to this point!

Working it with new shoes.

I've run 5ish miles the past two mornings and it has gone just fine, except last night and this morning the old hip pain is back with a vengeance.

I saw my doc yesterday and she said pretty much all knee and hip running injuries women experience can be attributed to shoes. Shoes! Dammit, I thought I was being so good getting new shoes and rotating three different pairs. But if the shoe itself isn't quite right, three pairs rotating ain't gonna do a bit of good.

So, she recommended a particular shoe guy at a particular running store and I went to see him yesterday afternoon.

By yesterday evening, I walked outta that place two pairs of shoes, one sports bra and three pairs of socks richer. He showed me lots of good stretches and said the following: you are crazy; you are determined; there will be other marathons; I'm surprised you don't have more problems than you do; it probably was that sand that did you in.

Good God.

I still want to run that friggin' marathon, though. But my goal is to finish and to finish strong. If this means walking parts, so be it.

As I've come to realize, I will do everything in my power not to let any damn thing break me. To hell with what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. . . .

I'm all for learning to be gentle with myself. Because if I'm not, who will be?

News.

After intermittent furious tears inspired by radio and tv images of Katrina's devastated victims throughout the day, I have acted and quit weeping. Several emails to politicians and a donation to the American Red Cross later, I feel a little less powerless. Although no less pissed off.

In marathon news, I read the October issue of Runner's magazine today at the gym and I have a renewed commitment to my training. They said this is the hardest stretch--the monster month--when you feel the most tired, run the longest and have the least motivation. They also said that if you're recovering from a slump, injury-induced or otherwise, don't go all crazy trying to "catch up" by overdoing mileage.

That was very important for me to read. 'Cuz you know that's exactly what I was fixin' to do.

Last night after writing down all the activities I had planned for these days I realized it was too much. So, no run this morning; but I did upper body with TTT and a half hour on the ARC machine. I did hill intervals and it felt good. Spinning tomorrow. Long run Sunday. I'm actually looking forward to it. I hope my hip is, too.

Today and the near future in a nutshell.

Today I spent an hour on the ARC machine after doing legs and butt with TTT. After a good steam and a nice dinner, I am knackered, but in a good, healthy, damn I've been working hard kind of way.

I also moved my office down the hall at work, and it was physically and emotionally exhausting. I'm hoping the change of scenery will do me good. . . .

I'm planning another run tomorrow after taking yesterday off. I'll shoot for 10ish miles, spin on Saturday, and hit a long run Sunday. It's been a while since I've done an endurance run, and it's time to get back to them if I want to be in shape for the marathon. I'll just feel it out as I go.

No travel plans for the weekend. It would be irresponsible to drive anywhere with the gas shortage what it is. I'll stay grounded here, read, teach myself how to write fiction, send money and weep for the people on the Gulf Coast and N'awlins and do a mini life cleaning, as TTT calls it. Clear out the car and the house.

Then maybe I'll get a plant and some things framed for the new office. Find a new pair of rich and beautiful chocolate brown shoes, and get rid of some other stuff I don't need. Sometimes finding things means dissolving others.

All right. I'm getting bleary eyed. Good night!