My body has been talking.

And I'm finally listening.

My screaming shoulder, crying hip, barking ankle and missing period were each in their own ways saying, "Hello?! Lady, pay attention, please."

So I am.

I've decided to come to peaceful terms with myself, trust my body and my instincts, quit beating myself up, and do my best to be gentle with myself. No more forcing myself to run ungodly numbers of miles when I've got a bum right side of my body, no more setting my body on fire with too much protein, no more self-sabotage by eating an entire Pepperidge Farm coconut cake in two sittings, no more telling myself I should have done more, done better, done differently; no more!

I spent an hour on the ARC machine this morning before I met with TTT. We did chest, shoulders, legs and abs today, and it felt better than it did on Wednesday.

I showered, steamed, and headed over to my massage appointment. What ensued for the next hour and a half can only be described as sheer bliss. She totally gets me. She also said two things that made me sit up a little taller. When I told her that I do yoga, but probably not enough, she said,

"But what if it is enough?"

I am going to write this in big letters and post it where I can see it. Translation: what if I am enough? This hit me deep.

I remember writing a letter to an old friend when I lived in Ireland that asked, "When is it enough?" I was living my dream, living the high life, enjoying every moment, but I still felt there was something more, something else I needed to do, to achieve, to become. And I thought, when does it end?

Now I think the yearning probably ends with death, but the inner turmoil can end way before that: when I can begin to really see my self. Fully be that self.

The other thing the masseuse said was after the massage when I asked her how she read my body. She said that from talking to me she knows that I am a "doer," and "achiever," but that I am also "capable of receiving." According to her, many people resist the massage, especially the first time with her, but that I allowed myself to receive it.

What my therapist pointed out later this afternoon, is that this summer of retreat has been about my receiving my self. And that we must do that before we can truly receive an other.

I know, I know. This is all getting very existential, but what can I say? Once a philospher . . .

So, the bottom line is all the work I did/had done today helped me get closer. I can feel it.

I'm not running, because my body needs a break. I might swim. That would feel good. Tomorrow I might take a spin class, give the joints a break and see if I'm up for the long run Sunday. At my therapist's suggestion, I shall ask of every choice I make, "Is this anointing or destructive?" Because all things can be either, depending on the intention. I could eat something because I crave it and it nourishes me; or, I could eat something to spite myself, fueled by self hatred. I could run because it feels so good; or I could run because I'm forcing myself to meet the demands of a training schedule that is not acquainted with my body and its needs.

Listening. It's all about listening.

I just finished a dinner of freshly-made gazpacho, shrimp, sweet corn on the cob and a luscious glass of sauvignon blanc.

I am satisfied.

I feel good.

Whew!

After a swim in the lake, I think I'll put myself to bed.

Summer ain't over yet!